Sign this if you reeeaaaally luv me!!!

Well, if you read my previous post, you would know about a guy who is interested in a sort of 'arranged marriage' with moi, so like all them celebrities, I decided to draft this pre-nuptial agreement...I still find this silly and I think if I give this to him, that would scare him, and make him leave me alone. Anyway I got some inspiration from a "woman's magazine", and I'll give this to my future husband.

To whom this may concern,
Here are my most pressing Maritial requirements, mark them well and ignore at your peril!!!


Consummation
Intercourse shall be deemed necessary every other day, (well if its good enough for J Lo). Sex strikes shall not be grounds for dismissal (I'm a socialist you know), but they shall be grounds for hiring of temporary labour while we get the arbitrators in. If we get behind on the four-time-a-week-rule, say I'm watching LOST or something, missed sex shall be held in arrears, upon which I shall require it 17 times in one day. I know its alot, but it will maintain the fiction that we still fancy each other as much as we did when we first met. However, you are allowed to wear an eye mask and call me Beyonce.

INDISCRETION
There is a one off fine of three million for every infidelity, though I shall choose which currency this is in, depending on how insane with jealousy I feel when I hear about it (like if its some old boiler in the back of a van). there is a discount if you break off half way though and go "I cant do this!!" " I love my wife!!", But its not a big discount. If I have a sex scene as part of my work, (this iS not likely what with not being a film star - but say I had to work for Clinton or something), I promise not to enjoy it. In the likely event of a break up, you MUST ans were media enquiries with the line "She goes off like a volcano in the sack!" Yes I know its a bit 80's, but I read it in a Jilly Cooper novel once and thought it sounded cool.

MONEY AND HOUSES
I take possession of ALL houses. Well all house, OK, all fl ate (apartment). You can have ONE cupboard to keep all the stuff in that you cant take back to your parents house (before i forget, you have to spend the full decade following our break up, living with your parents. Ha!) I require, 62% of all money earned on each day of the week, apart from Sundays, where I know for a fact, you don't do anything!.

HOLIDAYS AND LIFESTYLE DEMANDS
Even after divorce, you still have to accompany me on holidays, where the station is far from the hotel, until such time as I pass a driving test, or you die. During the week, your only allowed out when I'm going out anyway - and you cant come home after me, (Ill be cross) or before me (you might guilt trip me). You need to get home exactly the same time as me, but your NOT allowed to call me on my mobile phone to find out where I am (that would be annoying). I guess you'll just have to hide around the corner or something.

OFF-SPRING
If I go through all the trauma of child birth, and then it ends up being a boy, and looking just like you, with exactly your temperament, then you need to go through an equal ordeal for something that you get no benefit from whatsoever. Like I don't know, a bungee wedgie, like they do on Jackass.

WEIGHT MANAGEMENT PROGRAM
I require you to look shit-hot on days when we're going out, then gain a HUGE tummy for days when I'm feeling slightly insecure and need reassurance than only I'll ever have you. This means that you'll have to gain and loose weight very quickly like Oprah. But no binging. That's just horrid!

STAFF
That would be cool - We're not allowed those cute ones in aprons though.


Must sign here................